I originally created this letter for Jennie, a woman I didn’t know at the time, but with whom I became very close, despite us having never met. It would actually take us quite some time to meet in person, even though we lived relatively close to each other and worked in the same industry. Cancer is weird like that, a thief of time, energy, motivation, joy and all kinds of other things, but having her to talk to made everything seem somehow doable.

Hopefully you find your Jennie to confide in like I did. Hopefully, this letter will come in handy for you, like it did for us and countless others I’ve since had to pass this on to. Also, I’m always just a call away. ~ Stevie

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Well, we don’t know each other, but I know all about what you’re going through, and, yet, nothing about what you’re going through, all at the same time. I’m sorry you have to have your boobs chopped off. That part, I do know, is no fun. There’s really nothing I can say to make it any easier or to help get you through the enormous range of emotions you’re going to have. I believe you’ve already been dealing with this cancer bullshit for a while now, and for that, I’m sorry.

I’ve put together a basket of things that really came in handy for me when I was going through my mastectomy. I hope this helps you out and relieves some of the stress this will cause you. If I could give you one piece of unsolicited advice, it’s this: somehow, I’ve managed to keep a positive outlook. While that’s been super helpful in my recovery, it’s also hurt me at times because I felt bad breaking down or showing my anger. You’re gonna have those days where you just can’t take it anymore, and that’s gonna be totally okay because here’s the thing, at some point, eventually, this will all be done. Having said that, don’t put timelines on your recovery.

I saw my mom and my sister go through mastectomies and thought, “Oh, I know what this is going to be like. I’ve got this. I’ll be fine and back to normal in no time.” That was not the case for me. I had skin necrosis (another surgery for that), a tissue expander had to be removed because of infection (another surgery for that, this time on Thanksgiving, also my mom’s birthday, when we were supposed to be celebrating with family in Vegas) and then the replacement of that expander (yes, that’s four surgeries). I went in for my fifth to remove and replace my left expander to put it under the muscle to match the right one that had all the complications. Then of course, there’s the final reconstruction. I’m actually going to go through another reconstruction at some point because, well, I’m gonna be stuck with these things for a while and I’d like them to not look like mashed potatoes lol.

I thought, “If I could just know when I’m going to be done, or how many more I have left to go, I’d be fine.” Honestly though, it doesn’t matter. I let myself cry it out and feel sorry for myself for a minute and then moved on. I’m not telling you this to scare you. I’m just saying that everyone’s journey is different. I was seeing what my mom and my younger sister went through and thought I had it figured out. Yours will be different than mine, but there is one thing that will absolutely be the same. I promise you, at some point, there will be no more surgeries, no more needing help going to the bathroom or opening jars or help carrying your purse. I’m past my last surgery and I’m still sore at times, but I’m picking up things and carrying babies and doing (very shaky) push-ups. So, even though you know that’s all going to go away and how bad that sucks, just know it’s all going to come back at some point. I promise, it will for you, too! And I know we don’t know each other, but I’ve been here, laying in my pillow fort, in my medical recliner, in and out of a drug haze, catching up on Real Housewives. So, if you need to vent to someone who gets it, PLEASE give me a call. I can help talk you off the ledge, girl!

NOW, onto the helpful part. I know this basket is going to come in handy. All of these things helped me out, and I’ve even picked up more ideas since my first few surgeries. So, here’s what some of the things are and how you might use them!

• Breast buddy grey Velcro “pillow”: pack this in your bag and take it to the hospital. You wrap it around your seatbelt and it helps soften the belt against your chest. I seriously still use mine. The seatbelts have always hit me in a weird place anyway, but this is key if someone has to slam on the breaks right where your incisions are!  
  

• The shirts: don’t worry about how these ugly-ass shirts fit. It’s better to have one, than not to, even if it’s too big. They have pockets on the inside to hold your tubes! It’s front snaps, so you don’t have to lift your arms to take it off. You can keep it on while you empty your drains and even wear it when you give yourself a break (shhh!!!) from wearing the dreaded, ill-fitting bra they send you home with. Because it hides your drains inside the pockets, it doesn’t look too weird if you decide you need to get outside of your house. I am so glad I found these shirts. It’s so nice to not have to clip the drains onto a bra or try and pin them onto a shirt. Also, it’s nice to walk outside for five minutes and this shirt is semi-comfortable. I would suggest packing this in your bag for wearing immediately after your surgery.
  

• Alcohol pads: when you have to start emptying and measuring your drainage fluids, you’re going to have to strip your tubes, meaning squeeze all the junk out into the little grenade looking drain. Well, these are up against your warm, sweaty, clammy body. The tubes are tough plastic, you can pinch and stretch them pretty good and they won’t break, but they’re not super slippery. I used the alcohol pad to put between my fingers and wrap around the tube when I had to squeeze and pull to push all of the gunk down to the bulb. It sounds insane now, but you will understand it when you do it. It makes it easier to run your fingers down the tube with the wet alcohol pad wrapped around it and it’s sanitary.
  

• Pink heart-shaped pillows: these are awesome for putting under your armpits and resting your arms on. They help cushion the weight on your drainage tube sites. Those tubes are the worst and they itch and they get so sore because they’re constantly being pulled on. These pillows help cushion the blow of all that and I slept with them under my arms. The little pouches can hold ice packs if you need ice to help reduce the swelling or bruising.
  

• Black travel shawl/blanket: I found this on Amazon a year ago while trying to find something to travel with to Italy. It is the most soft and perfectly thin wrap. It became my security blanket and was the one thing that was never too hot to put away and helped take the edge off when I got chilled. Your hormones are going to do weird things. They don’t tell you this. I think the doctors think it’s all just part of surgery but you’re removing female hormones. Your body is going to try and regulate. This little wrap was my bff. Still is.
  

• Barefoot Dreams socks: I mean, everybody needs these. Plain and simple lol.
  

• Travel pillow: I’m sure you have one, but the microbead ones seem to really be clutch for me when I’m resting. Sleeping in a chair is hard. Even if it’s the most comfy recliner you’ve ever had. You can’t get your pillow situation right and it seems like your neck is always not quite supported. In comes the airplane pillow lol. It just made it easier.
  

• Tube tops: so, you’re not going to shower for a while. They’re going to tell you that you can’t at all. Well, mostly, you can’t get your drains wet or the incision sites. But, at some point, you’re not going to be able to take it anymore lol. That’s where this tube top comes in handy. Strip down, have your hubby help pull this over your head or up from your feet, put it around your boobs and pull the tubes out from the bottom and pull them up and tuck them inside the top. The tube top is stretchy but tight enough to hold the tubes in. You’ll be able to either sit in a couple inches of water and not have the tubes dangle or maybe be lucky enough to sit in a shower if you have a hand held shower head and at least rinse off your lower bits.

• This brings me to being dirty. Just get used to it lol. Maybe it won’t happen to you, but as soon as my breast tissue was gone, my sweat changed. I sweat more and that sweat stinks. So, the deodorant wipes were a game changer! Someone brought them to me and I wanted to cry I was so happy. Also, the wet wipes help, too. Those are nice to have on places, a little more sensitive, that get a little rough after a few days lol. Some people brought me dry shampoo, but honestly, that stuff just makes me feel dirtier and trying to get my husband to do that and brush it through my hair was a no ma’am. I stayed in a bun the whole time. Once I got a little more mobile, I got my hair washed and braided at a local salon and that made me feel a little more normal. smell like coconuts.

• Burt’s Bees and Hydro gel lotion: plain and simple, you get dehydrated. You’re on a lot of meds. Drink as much water as possible. The drugs and the anesthesia, which can stay in your body for up to six months, dry you out. I suggest a water bottle that keeps things cold with a built-in straw. If it has a handle and is spill-proof, even better. It’s harder to hold onto stuff. I like this gel because it’s so silky and helps you not feel so dry.
  

• George’s Aloe Juice and Miralax: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE LETTER. This part goes along with the drugs and the dehydration. YOU ARE GOING TO GET VERY CONSTIPATED. It’s going to happen. The drugs, the anesthesia, the immobility and shock to your body. You’re not going to be able to push. Like, at all. If you get too far down the line, this will be the worst pain you could ever imagine. Of all the tears I cried from random shooting pains, this was the worst. I cannot stress enough how important the stool softeners they give you are going to be, but they will not be enough. DRINK TONS OF WATER. I will say it again, DRINK TONS OF WATER!!!!! It sucks getting up to go pee, but you have to hydrate. George’s Aloe Juice helps keep you hydrated, balances your PH and can help you poop without giving you cramps. It says to drink 2 oz twice a day but you can have LOTS more. You can drink 8-12 oz at once and be fine. Do this every day and drink a Miralax at night. Stay on top of the stool softeners they give you and just keep an eye on things. If you’ve been home for a couple days and haven’t gone, up the George’s and water. IT WORKS! I know you’re not going to want to force down water and drinks, but do it. I had my biggest breakdown begging God to let me poop. It’s insane. So important. Can’t stress it enough. Shit matters. When you finally go, you will be praising the heavens above! Sidenote: George’s is the ONLY aloe juice that tastes almost identical to water. If you run out, you can Amazon Prime it or get it at Whole Foods. Don’t go for just any aloe juice. It’s thick and chunky and horrific tasting. George’s is the only way to go. Smooth Move tea helps, too, but it is a laxative and will cramp you and if you’re not drinking the aloe and taking the softeners, it will cramp your stomach up and you will still not be able to push the poop out. I know I’m focusing a lot on pooping, but I want to cry just remembering the pain. It seems like overkill to be talking shit so much, but damn, that pain was for sure the worst. I’m currently drinking George’s just to keep me regular. It’s that big a deal.
  

• Magazines and gum, just because. Also, I don’t know if you have one, but an electric toothbrush is very helpful. You can’t really move your arms up and down or back and forth. The electric toothbrush just does the work for you. The gum helps for when you’re tired of trying and can’t stand the smell of your own breath lol. Did I mention there are a lot of smells associated with having a debilitating surgery, because there are? I have a sensitive sniffer and I got so sick of my own stench; breath, pits, hair, it all gets dirty. There’s little you can do about it, but trust and believe I tried it all!
  

• Protein helps in healing. Haagen Dazs dark chocolate-dipped, chocolate ice cream bars helped me through a lot, too. If you have a dog and it becomes overwhelming, give me a call. We have an amazing dog-sitter who keeps our fur-child and is a lifesaver. Also, a diffuser helped me when I needed to have a smell other than my own body around me. Peppermint oil is helpful with any nausea. This is my favorite diffuser. I have it at home, at the office, all over the place!  
  

I know this all seems overwhelming and daunting, and I’m sorry for that, but hopefully, this will help ease some of that once you get into it all. Remember, keep everything for when you do your reconstruction, too! And tell yourself, you know you have, at least, one more surgery to finish things off. Whatever you see in the mirror when you come home is NOT the final product. Shit’s gonna look real fucked up for a hot minute, but I swear, it will not be like this forever. Give yourself one single day and then tomorrow, give yourself one single day, until one day, you’re all done. I’m sending you all my extra good vibes. You’re gonna do awesome! It will be shitty and then, all of the sudden, you’ll be back to folding all the laundry, doing all the dishes, carrying in all the groceries, you know, all that stuff we do on the reg. Don’t rush to get back to it. This is one of the few times as a woman that everyone else should be waiting on you. I know we can ask for help any time, but I also know we rarely do. Do not feel guilty for not being able to do shit for other people. You just had a fucking mastectomy! Make all the people you normally take care of on a daily basis take care of you for once! You will have a lifetime to do all the chores ☺

Oh, I almost forgot! You are going to have some memory loss. See, I almost forgot it. I’m not kidding. Anesthesia jacks you up. It messes with your memory. It will come back! Until then, if you can’t remember someone’s name or what you were saying, who gives a fuck! You’re going through cancer and doing it like a badass. Who needs to remember what you’re doing??? Rest! Relax as much as humanly possibly with tentacles coming out of your body. Give yourself as much grace as you would give your best friend / mom / sister who is trying to heal their bodies from the inside out. Be kind to yourself! We all should be doing that anyway! Listen, I’m a terrible sleeper, sad for me, but good for you! That means I’m up at all times of the night and day and can talk or text or whatever you need. I can cry with you, laugh with you, get mad with you (I’m really good at that one), pretty much whatever emotion you wanna have, it’s right there on the edge for me, too. I’m here for you. You’re a badass, always have been, but it’s different now. You’re part of a badass club of women that nobody asked to be in, but here we are anyway. No one will understand what you’re going through like we do. You got this. Good luck!

PS: I’m sorry I typed this. I have shit for handwriting lol

UPDATE: since typing this letter, I’ve found these “shower shirts” for holding drain tubes and supposedly shielding your body from getting wet. I don’t know if they work or not, because I haven’t had to use it in while, but if I had had something like this, I would have been so happy. So, it’s worth a try!

PS again: I never knew how many women would get this letter. I’ve since sent it to five more ladies going through double mastectomies, friends and friends of friends that asked me to talk to someone they knew going through breast cancer. They’ve also asked me if it’s okay to share it with women they knew who were diagnosed. What a shitty thing to have to go through, but what a gift to help others. If anyone you know has to go through this, I would hope you would share it too.